It only takes some driver to cut in front of my car for a salve of insults interlaced in “F” words to pour out of my mouth. Who is this person? Where is this coming from?
Master Shinran’s words come to mind:
Although I take refuge in the true Pure Land way, it is hard to have a true and sincere mind.This self is false and insincere; I completely lack a pure mind.
Me, my true self unchecked by my “I’m so nice” persona, a veneer that falls away when I think I’m alone, my mind unguarded, as when driving...
This is my true state of mind, a mind of insincerity.
According to Master Shinran, I’m not alone,
Each of us, in outward bearing, makes a show of being wise, good, and dedicated; but so great are our greed, anger, perversity, and deceit, that we are filled with all forms of malice and cunning
and
Extremely difficult is it to put an end to our evil nature;the mind is like a venomous snake or scorpion. Our performance of good acts is also poisoned; Hence, it is called false and empty practice.
My attempt at being a nice person is only a “cunning” cover up. Rarely does un-calculated sincere kindness underpin my thoughts and actions. Outwardly I smile and greet others with a bright “kia orana” and inwardly groan at having my precious seclusion disturbed.
Although I am without shame and self-reproach and lack a mind of truth and sincerity, because the Name is directed by Amida, its virtues fill the ten quarters.
So it’s with humble self-acceptance of my shameful shortcomings that I say the Nembutsu, knowing the Name of Amida that is virtuous, not me.
Lacking even small love and small compassion, I cannot hope to benefit sentient beings. Were it not for the ship of Amida’s Vow,How could I cross the ocean of painful existence?
My only hope is the ship of Amida’s Vow. Not just for my own salvation but as a person that aspires to be present, helpful and caring when it matters for my loved ones and all those near. There is no deeper anguish or grief than not being able to help the ones we love.
The foundation of my spiritual journey has, from the start, been an aspiration for all encompassing compassion. I was unable to find it in any other religion or spirituality. There were always too many strings attached, too many hoops to jump through, too many words to remember, too many mountains to climb and most of all too many promises and vows (which I systematically broke). I lacked determination, endurance, and a heap of other virtues for sure, but I also couldn't accept that certain categories of beings were systematically left out or expelled.
This all changed when I encountered Amida Buddha, where at last I found the true manifestation of All-Encompassing Compassion. At last, a path opened up for dummies like me.
The words of the late Paul Roberts echo in my mind:
My pity, sympathy and care were real but I was LIMITED because I am just not a Buddha.
Paul's words found their origin from his deep listening Yuien's words in chapter IV of the Tannisho:
There is a difference in compassion between the Path of Sages and the Path of Pure Land.
The compassion in the Path of Sages is expressed through pity, sympathy, and care for all beings, but truly rare is it that one can help another as completely as one desires.
The compassion in the Path of Pure Land is to quickly attain Buddhahood, saying the nembutsu, and with the true heart of compassion and love, save all beings as we desire.
In this life no matter how much pity and sympathy we may feel for others, it is impossible to help another as we truly wish; thus our compassion is inconsistent and limited. Only the saying of nembutsu manifests the complete and never ending compassion that is true, real, and sincere.
Knowing that through the Nembutsu of Faith, Amida's Power will cast away my limitations, enabling me to come back to this world and help those I love is a great source comfort to me.
NAMO AMIDA BU
References & links
The Path of Acceptance - commentary on Tannisho, by Reverend Josho Cirlea
Paul Robert's Foreword in Understanding Jodo Shinshu, by Eiken Kobai Sensei